Time To Heal
by KateMB
Summary: A 4-part Meredith & Derek tale taking place after the Season 6 finale. Meredith grieves for her baby and eventually tells Derek about it & everything that happened during his surgery. They comfort each other & move forward from this tragedy.
1. Chapter 1

**Time To Heal (Part 1)**

_Meredith stands over Owen, ready to begin fixing him up in the OR. She has April by her side to assist her. April notices blood staining through Meredith's pants and trickling to her shoe. April panics, but Meredith says not to worry. She's having a miscarriage. She winces briefly in emotional pain but has to focus on Owen. Suddenly, Owen and April disappear, and Meredith stands in the OR alone. There is a chilling silence. Meredith looks down at the blood on her, her mouth dropping in terror. She places her hands over her abdomen, imagining what her baby would look like. She looks straight ahead and sees Derek standing so perfectly, no signs of him being shot. He smiles softly at her without saying a word. She struggles to smile back. Tears begin forming in her eyes as she stares at him. He fades away. She looks down again and slips to the floor, crying, grieving for the precious life she has lost…_

Meredith wakes up, sweating, with tears in her eyes taken from her dream. She sits up, ripping the covers off of her. She glances over at Derek's side of the bed. She needs him with her, but she's glad he's not there. He is still recovering in the hospital, and she has not yet told him about their baby. He also doesn't know the hell that transpired during his surgery. It was still too soon to tell.

That horrific day occurred four days ago. Derek has been recuperating well, and Meredith visits him as much as she can. He always asks about patients. He's eager to be a doctor again instead of Chief Of Surgery. He supposed to sleep the majority of the time, but sometimes he doesn't want to. He's also concerned about Meredith, and she keeps insisting that she's doing okay. She's supposed to be taking time off, but sometimes she works in the pit. It keeps her focused. When Derek's stronger, she intends to move in. She hates sleeping without him. Their bed is so empty. For now, she deals with the miscarriage the best she can, but she wants to tell Derek. Until that time comes, Cristina is taking care of her. Or at least trying to. This is something Meredith wants to handle on her own until she tells Derek.

Meredith gazes at the alarm clock, which reads 4:00. She knows she doesn't have to work, but she can't fall back to sleep. The second she closes her eyes she'll think about the baby. The dream left her wide-awake with awful sadness.

She decides to get up and begin her day. She showers quickly, throws on some clothes, and grabs a bagel on her way out the door. Lexie and Cristina are not at the hospital yet – a good thing because she doesn't feel like talking to them. If she wanted to talk, she'd visit Alex, but she knows how much he loves his sleep. She changes into her scrubs, but she is not there for work.

She ventures to Derek's room and stands beside him, watching him sleep. A tear runs down her face. The silence forces her mind back to the baby. Jus about everything makes her think of the baby and that entire horrific day, but the one thing that could help this time is sleeping in Derek's arms. She kicks off her shoes and carefully slips into the bed with him. He opens his eyes briefly, startled by her presence, but closes them when he sees it's his wife. He needs her sleeping with him. His arms wrap around her, and she snuggles into him gently. She basks in the feel of him being alive, which is something to be grateful for. Their baby perished, but they are both alive. They could always try for another baby. That thought plus Derek's warm body sooths her to sleep. No dreams disturb her.

A nurse, an intern, Bailey, and Teddy arrive at different times to check Derek's vitals and condition. Seeing him with Meredith sleeping so well, they didn't dare wake them. They checked the vitals carefully, knowing he was getting the best sleep he's gotten in recovery. It's around nine when Meredith opens her eyes and smiles while realizing where she is. She tilts her head up to see Derek gazing at her.

"Watching me sleep again," she asks.

"Just for a moment. I woke up right before you did," he answers.

"Sure you did," she says teasingly, still looking at him.

"I did," he declares, pinching her cheek. "Ow," she exclaims before laughing, "That wasn't nice." He laughs at her and says, "I'm glad I can make you laugh. I love your laugh. Anyway…good morning. What a nice surprise it is to wake up with you in my arms."

"I woke up at four something, and I could not get back to sleep. So, I came here, and I knew you could get me back to sleep," Meredith explains, looking away.

"And that's all," Derek wonders. "Meredith, you came all the way here just to go back to sleep? It's not like you have to be here for work. Did you even try getting to sleep on your own?"

"I wanted to be with you," she responds, "Okay… I had a dream, and it was so awful that I couldn't fall asleep."

He strokes her back tenderly and sighs. "I understand. Do you want to tell me about it?"

She lays her head on him and says, "No. I'm better now. I slept good here with you."

"I think I slept good too. I feel so much better when you're here. So, do I get a good morning kiss?"

Meredith grins as she sits up. "Um, I don't know. Do you deserve one?"

"I'm recovering from a severe bullet wound. That is very deserving of any and every kiss I want," he says, making her laugh. He smiles, and she leans in to kiss him very lovingly. "Good morning," she says, pressing her forehead against his.

"Good morning," he replies, "I'm glad you're here."

"You have no idea how glad I am that you're here," she says, feeling grateful again that he's alive.

After lunch, Meredith escapes from her bosses, friends, and husband by getting on an elevator. She is tired of being around everyone as they constantly ask how she is or talk about that horrible day. She just wants to get away and she blindly presses a button.

Stepping out of the elevator, she finds herself on the maternity floor – a place she has dreaded. She did her best today to not think of the baby. She has not cried since that one tear in Derek's room before she climbed into his bed. Despite not wanting to be on this floor, she does not return to the elevator.

She stands frozen for a couple moments and then proceeds to the newborns. She recalls escaping here when she was an intern. That was her and George's thing, and it was very calming during their hectic shifts. This time it wouldn't be so peaceful. She doesn't know why she doesn't just turn around and run off this floor.

She reaches the babies and manages to smile at all of them. Some are sleeping. Others are fussing. She sees an empty bed and figures there's no baby for that one yet. There's no name on the front, but here will be soon. Her mind wonders to her baby being in that bed and Derek standing beside her. They smile at each other and the new life they created. They're happier than she ever thought possible.

Meredith returns to reality and notices a baby girl that looks a bit like her with a full head of dark hair like Derek. She sets her hand on the window as if saying "hi" to the baby. She smiles while watching the baby stir awake for a bit and then going back to sleep. A few quiet tears run down Mer's face. She wipes them away quickly and thinks that babies with Derek would be the most wonderful thing in the world.

She begins walking away from the newborns to head to the pit. She takes one last glimpse of the baby girl and sighs. "May you live an extraordinary life, little one," she whispers.

That night, before heading home, she has a long visit with Derek. They lay in his bed talking. They sneak in some gentle kissing every now and then. They miss each other physically – not just sleeping next to each other but also the sex, which is not close to happening again until Derek is out of the hospital. And even then, they'd have to be very careful. They rejoice in the cuddling because it's a relief to feel so alive together.

"You spend so much time with me. I'm very lucky," Derek says softly.

"Where else do you expect me to be," Meredith wonders.

"Well, I remember a time when you would shut down from such traumatic events and dive into a bottle of tequila," he answers, "You'd be too scared seeing me like this to visit much."

"That was then," she says, "I work through the dark and twisties differently now. And being with you helps a lot. I have downed some tequila but not too much." The truth is: she hasn't had any tequila or alcohol at all. She's too sad to drink, and she doesn't want to let on how awful she feels. Tequila would be obvious. "And Lexi's around to keep me under control," she adds.

"I'm sure Cristina has been around a lot too," Derek assumes.

"Yes. More often than you'd think," she says, "She's not hovering, though. It's just that sometimes I want to be alone."

"Yeah. Be grateful for Cristina and Lexi," he replies, "You'd be worse without them."

"I'm grateful for you, Derek," she says staring into his eyes, "I'm grateful you're alive."

"I know. I'm grateful you're alive," he says, "We're so fortunate to be alive."

Meredith nods her head and runs a hand over his face. "I was terrified of losing you."

He runs a hand through her hair and replies, "I was terrified too. I wanted you to race out of the hospital to safety. But you couldn't do that."

"If I had, you might not be here. I helped save your life, but Cristina is the one who brought you back to me," she says.

"Thank God for her," Derek states, "Thank God we made it through."

Meredith takes a deep breath and glances away. "You have no idea how horrible it was," she says very softly.

"I know," he says, "You watched me get shot. You fought to stop the bleeding. You had to wait while Cristina performed a miraculous life-saving surgery."

Her eyes return to his, and he sees a sadness he hadn't noticed before. She cannot cry right now, so she flashes him a smile and says, "I love you."

"I love you too," he responds, sensing more happened that she's not telling him. She kisses him, and he figures she's not ready to tell him. A look of love comes upon her face, and he smiles softly. "You're the best part of my life," he says, "Can you stay the night, please?"

"I will soon," she answers, "I promise. Tomorrow maybe." She plants some kisses on his cheeks and mouth. "You know I love kissing you?"

Derek chuckles lightly and replies, "Mmhmm. Kissing is what we do best."

"Oh, I'm not so sure about that," she says, "Have you forgotten the sex?"

"Not a chance," he says, "But kissing is something we can do anytime, anywhere. And we're great at it."

She grins and agrees, "Yes, we are." They kiss again long and slow. Afterwards, they lay in silence for a few minutes simply feeling each other breathe. Their hands come together and interlock tightly. Once again, they are happy to be alive.

Meredith feels Derek's breathing become slower and calmer. She slides her fingers from his and holds herself up to see that he has fallen asleep. She slips out of the bed quietly and leans down to kiss his cheek softly. "Sleep tight, my love," she whispers.

Lexi's working the nightshift while Cristina's staying with Owen. So, Meredith's house is dark and empty. She keeps a lamp on downstairs and heads to her bedroom. She smiles, remembering her sweet time with Derek, as she changes clothes. She sits on her bed staring at nothing in particular. She knows that Derek suspects something, and she's glad he didn't push her to tell.

She wonders how she'll sleep tonight and hopes there won't be another dream. Her thoughts return to the baby girl on the maternity floor. It was creepy how much she looked like Derek and her. She was so cute and precious that Meredith wished she was hers. She imagines holding the baby girl in her arms and smiling at Derek. Mer's hands land on her abdomen, and she screams in her head: Why did this have to happen? She breaks down in tears and eventually falls back against the pillows.

She cries for so long that she can't tell. She is very tired as she wipes her tears on Derek's pillow. She rolls over, shuts her lamp off, and stares at her glowing kidney in a jar. This makes her think of Derek and when he gave her the kidney. With that, she lets herself fall asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Time To Heal Part 2**

Three days later, Meredith finds herself looking at the newborns again. The baby girl she grew attached to had been taken home already. She knew that when she came up here. It doesn't bother her that the girl is gone. She thinks about the girl being at home in a brand new nursery with loving parents. Mer smiles at the thought and watches as a nurse picks up a fussing boy. The nurse calms him down just by holding him, and she rocks him back to sleep. She places him in his bed, and Meredith just stares at him for a couple moments, wondering if her baby was a boy.

A boy would definitely look like her because boys tend to look like their moms. Her boy should have his dad's hair, though. He'd be a heartbreaker with that hair and his mom's face. He'd need Derek's smile too. He'd be too cute for words, and everyone would say so. As she daydreams this, Meredith does not notice the tears beginning to fall down her face. She has not cried as much, but the pain still exists.

"Meredith." Cristina stands a couple feet away. She had seen Meredith disappear on the elevator and thought long about where she could have gone. "Being here…you're only hurting yourself more," she says.

Meredith turns around to face her best friend, and Cristina sees the tears. She walks to Mer and rubs the tears away. "Have you been coming here every day," she asks.

"No," Meredith explains, "This is only the second time. The first time was an accident. I went to the elevator, pushed a button, and ended up on this floor. I didn't want to run, so I came here. And today…I don't know."

"This place isn't good for you," Cristina says.

"I know," Mer replies, "But I think it helps me feel closer to my baby."

Cristina sets her hands on Meredith's shoulders, looks her straight in the eyes, and declares, "You will feel better as the days, weeks, months go on. You will. You are so strong, Meredith. And telling Derek will help too. You'll get through this together."

Meredith nods and responds, "I'm not crying as much, so it is getting better." "Good," says Cris, removing her hands, "Why don't we go grab something to eat?"

"Yes," Meredith says, turning to look at the baby boy one last time. She smiles at him. Looking at Cris again, she states, "You're so good to me, for me."

"You're my person, Meredith," Cristina says, "I'm always here for you."

Meredith smiles, feeling grateful to have such a supportive, caring best friend. She follows Cris to the elevator, and they head to the cafeteria for some lunch.

Late afternoon, Meredith sits outside on a bench to think. Derek is much stronger, so she's been staying the night with him. In fact, he would be coming home tomorrow. They both look forward to being home together.

She thinks about how she'll finally tell Derek everything that happened. She knows it will be the most difficult news she's ever had to tell anyone. Being a doctor, she has had to give numerous people such awful news. This would be worse because it's the man she loves, and she knows exactly how he'll feel. She takes a big sigh as she thinks, "_I'll be breaking his heart. How do I do that? It's, like, impossible. But I have to tell him. He already knows something's up._"

She sighs again and believes it would be better if she told him about the miscarriage at home. Home – where it's peaceful, he's not hooked up to noisy machines, and there's less of a chance for interruptions (sort of). He'd be more comfortable, and she could take her time.

And then there's everything that happened during his surgery where they both could have died. Mr. Clark holding a gun on Cristina and her, Owen getting shot, her believing Derek died… Should all that be told before or after the miscarriage? That entire trauma set the miscarriage in motion.

Meredith is surprised she isn't crying as she hashes everything out in her head. She must be out of tears, or it's that there's people walking by, going in and out of the hospital. She stops going over that day and thinks of Derek returning home. It will be so great having him home, and she'll enjoy taking care of him. He may drive her crazy, but she'll love it. She loves him so much, and hopefully, a baby will be in their future. She's stunned by how much she wants a baby with him, but you never realize how much you want something until it's gone.

Derek lays in his hospital bed flipping through channels on the TV. He was watching something, but now nothing interests him. He turns off the TV and sighs. He cannot wait to go home tomorrow. He has had enough of the hospital – something that's never been the case for him.

He wonders what Meredith is up to and hopes she'll tell him whatever it is that's bothering her. He has seen her sad eyes again. He doesn't want to push her, but he believes he's ready to hear whatever it is. Last night he asked her about it without making it a big deal. She almost started her confession, but she didn't reveal anything he didn't know already. There's definitely more to her pain. Being released from the hospital soon, he hopes she'll let him in.

"Hey, I heard a very important neurosurgeon is finally going home tomorrow," Mark says as he peeks in Derek's room.

Derek smirks and replies, "Yes, finally!"

"I bet you can't wait," Mark says, entering the room, holding a chart. "Or do you love being in this hospital more than ever? You never could get enough."

"It's working that I can't get enough of. Do you see me working? I've been stuck here as a patient all week. I'm more than ready to leave," Derek quips.

"And be home with Meredith," Mark inquires.

"Yeah," Derek says solemnly, "Meredith…"

"Everything's okay with you two, isn't it?" This is the most in-depth talking the two men are doing since that day occurred.

"We're good, but I get the feeling something more happened the day I was shot. There's something she's not ready to tell me. You wouldn't happen to know what it is, would you? I'd rather hear it from Meredith…"

"All I know is that it got intense during your surgery and Owen was shot," Mark answers, "I don't know details, and I'd prefer not to know. Too much happened that day."

"You're better off not knowing, I'm sure," Derek says.

"I'm surprised I don't know the details, come to think of it," Mark states, "Usually word spreads around this hospital at lightning speed."

Derek lets out a small smile and says, "Everyone's dealing with that day. Details aren't important so much."

Mark asks, "So, Derek, how are you doing? Since that day…"

"I'm fine. It's Meredith I'm worried about. She watched as I got shot. She had to wait as Cristina performed surgery on me. And I don't know what happened during my surgery. I don't know what more Meredith is dealing with. So, don't worry about how I'm doing."

Both men take a breath. Mark wonders too what Meredith is hiding. He has no clue about the miscarriage. No one but April, Cristina, and Owen know. Meredith made sure they never reveal it.

"How are you, Mark" Derek asks.

"I'm good. Better than you. It's crazy that this hospital turned into a crime scene," Mark responds.

"I know," Derek says, "I've been up and about outside this room, and it's not the same hospital. I can't imagine what it'll be like going back to work."

"You have a while for that yet," Mark says, "It's still the same hospital. We just have to get back to feeling and believing it is."

"Well, that will certainly take some time," Derek replies, sighing.

"Indeed," Mark says, taking a breath before continuing, "I gotta go check on a patient. I have lives to save, you know?"

Derek laughs, "Yeah, Mark, just rub that in."

Mark laughs as he makes his way to the door. "Take it easy when you get home." He turns in the doorway to face Derek again. "I know Meredith will take care of you, but don't hurt yourself."

"Meredith will take great care of me. She knows the right sex positions for a healing man like myself," Derek retorts.

Mark chuckles, "And that's why you don't want anyone else caring for you."

"That's right," Derek says, smiling.

"Derek…I'm sure whatever it is that Meredith hasn't told you, you can handle it," Mark says seriously, "You and Meredith will handle it together, and it'll be alright."

"Thanks," Derek replies, wanting to remain optimistic, hoping he and Mer will be fine.

That night, about 8:30, Meredith arrives, smiling, with dinner from one of Derek's favorite restaurants. She also has an overnight bag containing the next day's clothes for both of them. She plops the bag on a chair and carries the dinner tray to Derek's bed.

"Dinner for you and me," Meredith says, "I know you'll love it."

Derek, also smiling, sits up and folds the blanket back. "Can I have you for dessert?"

They share a laugh as she sits the tray on the bed in front of Derek. Their eyes lock as she leans down to kiss him a few times. "Maybe," she answers.

"Maybe," Derek inquires, "Just maybe?"

"Derek Shepherd, I'm not sure if you're strong enough to have me," Meredith quips with a playful look in her eyes.

They laugh and kiss again, this time with tongue. Derek moans, which makes Meredith moan. She pulls away before they can't control themselves. She sits across from him and takes a sip of water from one of the cups on the tray between them. She slips their dinner out of the takeout bag.

"Your favorite meal from Giovanni's," she states, "Lasagna. And a small roll of garlic bread." Derek smiles, and she continues, "I thought we could shared it. I didn't think you could finish it by yourself."

"Great thinking," he replies, "Sounds delicious. I've missed a good pasta meal."

"I grabbed the forks and knives from home," she says, referring to the flatware lying beside the cups on top of some napkins.

"This is perfect, Meredith," he says, "Thank you."

"I guess it's an indoor picnic." She grins at him and takes the lid off the lasagna.

"Yeah. It is," he responds, unwrapping the bread, "A picnic with my wife. I couldn't ask for anything better."

"Except for being home with your wife," Meredith says, "That's something we both want more than anything."

"Yes," Derek agrees. They grin as they gaze into each other's eyes. "I can't wait to be home."

After dinner, they finish their water and Meredith moves the tray to a nearby table. She takes the flatware into the bathroom and gives them a good rinsing for when she takes them back home. She sets them on a towel on the table to dry. She turns to Derek and notices that he's been watching her the whole time. "What," she asks.

"Nothing," he replies, "I'm not allowed to look at you?"

She keeps smiling and playfully warns, "Sometimes you looking at me leads to something."

Derek chuckles lightly. "That's not a bad thing."

"Derek, you're still recovering, and I'm not having sex in your hospital room," Meredith says sternly.

"We have sex in the on-call room all the time," he says with a mischievous look on his face.

"That's different! No one comes in checking on you," she argues.

"No one's gonna check on me anytime soon. You're here. And I'm going home tomorrow," he pleads.

"Trust me," she says, grinning, "It'll be much better at home in our big bed."

Derek sighs and says, "I guess you're right."

Meredith returns to the bed and sits in front of him. "Besides," she responds, "I'd much rather just be here with you. As much as I miss sex, and I do miss it, it's enjoyable spending time with you without doing that."

"We've spent so much time together." He reaches for her hand, and their fingers interlock. He leans in to kiss her cheek. "Good time," he speaks softly in her ear. He kisses her cheek again and sits back against the pillows. "I know how grateful you are for our time and that I'm alive. You tell me every day," he says very seriously.

She nods and stares into his eyes. She thinks back to the day she almost lost him and about how he needs to know everything. Should she confess part of what happened? She turns away when her thoughts take her to the baby. It has gotten harder and harder to hide her pain.

"Meredith," Derek says, giving her hand a squeeze.

She looks at him with sad eyes. The rest of her face doesn't show the sadness, though. She gives Derek a smile and says, "I love you."

"I love you too," he replies, taking a breath. "I know there's something you're not telling me. Something more happened that day, huh?"

There was no hiding it any longer. She knows he's well enough to hear it, but she can't talk about the baby yet. Not here. "Yeah," she whispers, looking away.

"During my surgery," he asks.

She nods silently and takes her hand away. She looks back at him, and he slides over on the bed, making room for her. They sit on the bed together and take a few breaths, preparing themselves for what's to come. He wraps an arm around her and kisses her cheek. "Don't be afraid to let me in. You can tell me anything," he whispers in her ear, "It'll be okay."

"I know," Meredith says softly, "You really have no idea what I went through during your surgery. You already know Cristina had to do the surgery, and she had Jackson to assist her. I was stuck outside with April, and we weren't allowed to watch or be in there. Cristina wouldn't be able to focus. So, we just had to wait in the scrub room. And then Owen came in."

"Owen was shot during my surgery," Derek says.

"Yes," Meredith says. She takes a few breaths, and he runs a hand through her hair to comfort her. She continues, "Owen could see how the surgery was going, and he said everything was good. I thought he should go in there and take over, but he said Cristina could handle it. That confused me. He did go in, and a couple minutes later I heard a gunshot."

Derek sighs and says, "Mr. Clark was in the OR."

Tears form in her eyes as she answers, "Yes. He was in there demanding that Cristina and Jackson stop the surgery." Derek pulls her close so her head rests against his. She cries a bit, and he assures her, "It's okay. Take your time."

"The next part will be hard for you to hear," she says, tilting her head up to look him in the eyes. "Mr. Clark had the gun at Cristina's head. He wanted that surgery to stop…for you to die. She wouldn't stand down. I went in there to sacrifice myself. (_pause_) I told him I was his 'eye for an eye' since I'm connected to everyone he wanted dead." She takes a deep breath and continues, "He pointed the gun at me. He could've shot me."

"Oh, God," Derek says, looking down and realizing he could have lost the love of his life.

"I know," Meredith says, "I pleaded for your life and for him to shoot me. You could call it bravery or shear stupidity."

"I guess bravery since I didn't die. You didn't die either," he chokes in response.

"You owe a huge thank you to Jackson. He's the one who saved you, me, all of us there," Meredith clarifies, "And his heroism is what crushed me." More tears well up as she says, "He made it look like you died so Mr. Clark would leave. I believed you died. I watched you get shot, and I saw you die." The tears stream down her face as she relives that pain, and he wraps his arms around her, pulling her into him. She cries in his arms while also thinking about the miscarriage coming next. She won't tell him that yet, but it was his "death" that caused it.

He rubs her back, and she says through her tears, "It was horrible. So horrible!" He kisses the top of her head and says, "Shhh, it's alright. I'm here. I'm here, and I'm alive. You still have me for many more years."

They remain silent as she cries. A tear runs down his face as he thinks about how he almost lost her. He could have woken up after the surgery to hear that she died. Thank God that wasn't the case. He breathes her in, reveling in the feel of her safely in his arms.

She calms down from hearing his heart beat & feeling him breathe. She takes some deep breaths as her crying slows. She wipes her tears away but stays in his arms. She holds onto him tightly. "It's not fair," she says, thinking about the miscarriage. She quickly covers, "It's not fair that I had to believe you died."

"I know," Derek says, "But it got Mr. Clark to leave?"

"Yes," Meredith answers, "He left and then Jackson fixed what he did. I guess he unhooked the machines from you."

"Jackson saved us," he says, "We're both alive. We're here together."

"Now you know why I'm so grateful," she replies, lifting her head up to look at him and relaxing her hands on him, " I was so relieved when Cristina and Jackson went back to fixing you up. And I had to recover quickly to get Owen patched up."

He nods in response and inquires, "April assisted you?"

"Mmhmm," she says, "We all survived this." She rests her head against his, looking ahead at nothing in particular, and thinks about the baby. Now isn't the time, but should she hint at it? Hint that there's more to tell?

"Hey, I forgot about this till now," Derek says, "Remember on that day, I paged you, and you wanted me to come home early? You said you had something to tell me."

Meredith's eyes widen, and she says in her mind, "_The baby. I had it all planned out how to tell him the happy news._" "Um, yeah, I kind of remember that," she says, lying. She had thought of that moment plenty of times because it was the only time she was happy about the baby with him, even though he didn't know yet. She looked so forward to telling him.

"Do you remember what you had to tell me," he asks.

Her eyes return to his, and she runs a hand over his face. She doesn't want to lie to him. "It was something good. I can't tell you now. I'm not ready. Home is a better place for it," she says seriously.

Derek cannot imagine what it is, but he figures it can't be as bad as what she told him tonight. "You tell me when you're ready. That's fine," he says, giving her a warm smile.

Meredith smiles back and replies, "I have such a wonderful husband." She kisses his cheek and lips lovingly.

"I have an extraordinary wife," he says, "I really do."

They share a couple of kisses, feeling lucky they survived.

An hour later, after cuddling; kissing; and talking to lighten up the mood, they start feeling tired. Meredith sits up and swings her legs over the side of the bed. She removes her shirt, and Derek sits up to run a hand up her back.

"You're driving me crazy on purpose," he says, "Are you sure I can't have you for dessert?" He laughs, and she turns her head, grinning at him.

"You know it's fun to tease you," she quips. She goes to her bag, grabs her overnight clothes, and smiles as she disappears into the bathroom. "Oh, come on," Derek exclaims.

Meredith returns, wearing a Dartmouth t-shirt and dark blue pajama bottoms. She tosses her previous attire onto the chair, shuts the lights off and climbs into bed with Derek. They pull the blanket up over themselves and kiss again. Their kiss deepens, their tongues mingling, causing them both to moan.

"I'm not your dessert," she says, breaking the kiss. She smiles as he yawns. "Not yet," he replies. They both chuckle and share another kiss.

"We survived," he says softly, "Do you know the best way to feel alive?"

"What," she wonders.

He mouths the word 'sex' to her, and she cracks up. Her laugh makes him laugh. She kisses him again and says, "Soon. I promise." Her laughter fades when she yawns. They share a goodnight kiss and settle down to sleep.

Derek falls asleep first. Meredith lays awake, thinking about him knowing only part of the truth. He has yet to know how deep her pain truly is, and he'll feel the same way. The sooner he knows, the sooner they can deal with it together. They'll grieve for their child together. She'll feel better once he knows.

"_Our baby would have been extraordinary_," she thinks, "_Boy or girl…it would be extraordinary._" A few tears fall across her face. She wipes them away, turns back to Derek, smiles at him, and snuggles into him. She closes her eyes and within minutes is asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Time To Heal Part 3**

"It's good to be home," Derek says as he walks into the house, "I know it's not home-home, but our dream house will be ready soon enough."

Meredith walks in behind them with their bag and her purse. She smiles at the comment about their dream house and replies, "Yes, it will. I can't wait!" She sets her purse on a table in the foyer and takes their bag upstairs to their room. She hurries back to Derek, wraps her arms around him from behind, and hugs him gently. "I'm glad you're home," she says.

"Me too," he says, "For the first time in my life, I was tired of being at the hospital."

"Well, of course," she states, "You were a patient. That's no fun. Unless you're on morphine."

They share a laugh, remembering when she had appendicitis a couple years ago. She lets go of him and leads him to the couch, saying, "You should get some rest."

"Meredith," he starts as they sit down, "I'm home again, and I feel great. I've been resting all week in a damn hospital bed." He grins and adds, "And I've slept well every night you were with me."

"What happened the other nights," Mer wonders.

"Drugs helped get me to sleep, but it was easy to wake up early. With you, I could've slept all day."

She smiles and says softly, "I so missed having you here."

He can't help but kiss her. "This morning, though, I was so excited to go home that I woke up early."

"I know," she responds, "You watched me sleep again."

"I couldn't wake you," he says sweetly, "You look so beautiful when you're sleeping." She gives him a look, and he adds, "You're beautiful when you're awake too. You're beautiful all the time." She smiles again, and he laughs softly.

She kisses him softly, and he moans a bit. "I could go for more of that," he says afterwards.

She giggles and replies, "I know you could."

As a couple hours go by…they eat lunch, Meredith unpacks their overnight bag and does some laundry, they share more kisses, Derek lifts small weights for exercise and tries helping Mer, and they keep smiling at one another. They gain strength by simply being home together, wanting to move forward from the day they'll never forget.

The baby remains in the back of Meredith's mind. She watches as Derek lies down on the couch and eventually falls asleep. "_I hope he wakes up good,_" she thinks, knowing the baby news shouldn't wait much longer.

Derek sleeps for a good half-hour. Meredith sits on the floor beside him and kisses his cheek. She runs a hand through his hair, thinking that he should let it grow. She slides her hand over his handsome face, feeling glad that he finally shaved this morning. She takes her hand away when he starts stirring and smiles, hoping he'll wake up.

He stops stirring and opens his eyes briefly without noticing her. His eyes close, and she plants another kiss on his cheek. She lays a hand on his stomach and kisses his neck very softly. She sees a slight smile form on his face. She grins as she goes in to kiss him. Her lips are soft and warm, good enough for Derek to fully wake up. He kisses her back urgently, and she moans. He moans when their tongues mingle briefly.

She pulls back breathlessly, and he opens his eyes to see her sitting on the floor. He grins while watching her catch her breath. When she's calm again, she says, "Wake-up call."

"That's just what I needed," he replies, causing her to giggle. He sits up against the pillow and asks, "Is there more? Cause I could go for more." He gives her a sexy laugh.

"You don't need more right now," she says.

"You don't think so?"

"No," she declares seriously, getting ready to tell him as she stands up. He maneuvers himself for her to sit next to him. He sits against the couch while she faces him. She takes his hands, and he turns more towards her. Their hands rest on the couch between them. Their handholding gives her the confidence she needs. She gives him another kiss and stares into his eyes.

"Is this the other thing you have to tell me? What you were going to tell me that day…"

"Yes," she says, cutting him off, "And this is…the hardest thing I've ever had to tell you." She feels crushed on the inside, knowing she's about to break his heart. No one should suffer the loss of a child, especially a child they never got to love or meet.

"How can it be worse than what you told me yesterday," Derek wonders, "You said this was good news."

"WAS, Derek. Was," Meredith states, "It would still be good news if I hadn't believed you died. If I didn't have to go through that…"

"Meredith," he says softly, not understanding.

Tears slowly well up in her eyes as she holds his hands tighter. She smiles momentarily, remembering her plans. "I had it all planned out that day. I even told you what to expect when you got home," she says, "Take-out dinner. Lots of dirty sex. It would have been the best night ever." She pauses for a moment and takes a few breaths, looking away from him. He says nothing but focuses on the tears in her eyes beginning to fall.

She quickly brushes off her tears and locks eyes with him again. "In your office, you pointed out how happy I was," she recalls. He nods, places a hand on her cheek, and kisses her other one. His actions bring more assurance to her. He pulls back and says, "Don't be afraid. Let it out. Let me in."

Meredith nods and carries on, "I was happy because…I found out I was pregnant. Can you believe I was so happy about that?" She smiles at him and then recalls the miscarriage. "Again, WAS. I was pregnant, and I only knew for a couple of hours." She looks down, and the tears return. Full of pain, she looks back up and continues, "During your surgery…what Jackson did to save you… Losing you made me lose the baby."

"No. No. Meredith, no," Derek says, not wanting it to be true. He clutches her hands tight. His head falls forward as he realizes that day was more awful than he could have ever imagined. They both take a few moments to breathe, and he looks back up at her with the same sadness that's been in her eyes the entire week.

"When I started operating on Owen, April noticed blood on my legs. She freaked out, of course, but I told her not to worry," explains Meredith, "You know…luckily, I wasn't shot. But…" She can barely say the words, "I had a miscarriage." She cries more while saying, "And, Derek, I'm sorry for not telling you about the baby when I had the chance."

Her crying brings tears to his eyes. "You don't have to be sorry," he chokes out, "Don't be. You didn't know...this would happen…" She can see it's hurting him so much. He had to know, though. It was his baby too. "Why did it have to happen," he asks softly.

"I know," she replies, "It's not fair." They lock eyes, and he pulls her into his arms. They hold onto one another tighter than ever before, burying their faces in each other's neck and shoulder, sharing their pain, grieving for their child together. They stay like that for a while, not wanting to let go.

"I wish you could have loved him or her while he or she was alive," Meredith says, breaking the silence.

"I wish we could have known if it was a boy or girl," Derek replies, "Then we could give him or her a name."

"That would be nice," she says almost in a whisper.

They stay tightly together a couple more moments before slowly pulling back. They keep their hands on each other and press their foreheads together.

Derek takes a deep breath and asks, "How did you operate on Owen? How could you..."

"I don't know," Mer replies, "I don't know how, but I did. Owen needed me, and I couldn't let Cristina down."

"Did you tell Cristina," he wonders.

"Yeah, she knows everything. I told her about the pregnancy when I found out." she answers, "She's helped me through this until I told you. Most of the time I just wanted to handle it alone."

"That doesn't surprise me," he says.

They pull back and take a few breaths. She tries being optimistic, "It's better that you're alive… If you died, we wouldn't have another chance." She rests her head against his shoulder and cries a little more.

He rubs her back to comfort her. His face is the saddest it's ever looked. He can't believe such a tragedy happened, but he knows moving forward will be what's best for them. "This baby wasn't meant to be," he says, his face wincing at those words. "We'll have babies someday. We survived that day, and we can try for another if we want. I know we weren't trying before…"

She brings her head up to look at him. "We weren't. The doctor said we could try again. There aren't any problems. So, someday…" She nods a 'yes'.

"And we'll never forget this baby," he states.

"Never," she agrees, "We'll always love it."

He nods, and a single tear runs down his cheek. He sits back against the couch, keeping an arm around her. She sits back too, keeping her eyes on him. She slips an arm around his back and rests her head on his chest. They find themselves holding each other again. It's not as fierce as before, and there's no need to pull away. No more words are needed to be said right now or anytime soon. They begin the healing process in the comfort of one another's arms.

That night, they get ready for bed silently and lay on the bed, not ready to go to sleep. His hand finds hers in the middle of the bed, and they look at each other. They give each other comforting smiles, and Derek says, "We'll get through this, and it won't hurt as much."

Meredith nods in agreement and replies, "We'll move forward. I never knew how much I wanted a baby…"

"You never know how much you want something until it's gone," he says, "See? You'll be a great mom. You loved this baby the moment you knew it existed."

"That amazes me," she says, trying to smile.

"It's love, and love is unexplainable," he states.

"Mmhmm," she responds, "I love you more than I ever thought possible."

He lifts her hand up to kiss it and hold it against his chest. "I love you more now than ever before. Our baby would have been lucky to have us as parents."

"Our baby would have been extraordinary," she says with sad eyes. She moves closer to him and rests her head on his shoulder.

"Yes, he would have," he says softly, "Or she."

Their fingers interlock, and she kisses his cheek. "Cristina and I hoped it would have your hair," she says, making them both laugh.

They take a breath, and now it's Derek's turn to be optimistic. "We will have children. We will move into our dream house. I know we will. We didn't survive for nothing," he declares.

Meredith nods and says, "I know we will, but losing this baby is just so hard." She starts crying once again.

"Why does it have to be," he wonders somberly. He turns to her slightly, she lifts her head, and he wipes her tears with his other hand.

"Thank God I didn't lose both of you," she whispers. He kisses her forehead as she takes a deep breath. They lay on their sides, still holding hands firmly. "How's your chest feeling? Any pain," she asks, wanting to focus on something else.

"Good. It's fine," he answers, "I'm feeling much better. Being home with you helps." He slides his other hand around her back.

"Even though your first day back turned out to be so painful," she inquires.

He sighs and answers, "The sooner you told me, the sooner we could move forward. And going through this together… It was best you told me when you were ready, and I'm glad it was today even though it was my first day at home. You let me in and didn't go on hiding this. That's what matters."

"Us. That's what matters now," she says, "You and me. Our future – dream houses and pretty babies and awesome surgeries. And we'll always remember our first baby."

"Always," he replies, a tear forming in his eye. She kisses him lovingly, wanting to erase his sadness.

Needing to feel better, he kisses her back. Their hands let go, and he pulls her closer as their kiss lingers a bit. He breaks the kiss to say, "All I need is you to feel better."

She nods and replies, "You make me feel better." She kisses him more forcefully while moving on top of him carefully. This kiss is broken from them sitting up to slip under the covers. She helps remove his shirt and then quickly removes her own. He lies back against the pillows, and she settles on top of him. They resume kissing, and he wastes no time in shoving his tongue in her mouth.

They both moan, and he runs a hand up her back under her camisole. Her hands make their way to his pajama bottoms, giving them a tug. They lift themselves up for her to remove them and his briefs. She sits up and tosses her camisole away. "This is exactly what we need," she whispers loudly.

"Great sex," he says, and she nods in response. Her mouth returns to his, and his hands push her lounge pants down as far as they can. She pushes them the rest of the way along with her panties. Their clothes have ended up scattered across the floor off the edge of the bed they're closest to.

They hold each other tightly while kissing urgently, enjoying the feel of skin on skin. They feel closer than ever with their loss, and the love between them is powerful. Both their pain and love drive them in this sexual escape.

Derek's hands tangle in her hair, and Meredith's hands run all over his body. Their tongues wrestle passionately, and she moans deeply. Her arms slide around him, and they keep kissing ardently. Soon, she moans again, wanting to end it. She kisses him a couple more moments before finally breaking away breathlessly. He is just as breathless.

She asks, "Am I hurting you?"

"Maybe a little," he responds, "But I'm more alive than ever." He plants kisses on her neck ravenously.

"Oh, that's good," she sighs. She moans and giggles when he licks her neck quickly. He slowly kisses up to her mouth, but she stops him from going too deep. She hovers above him and kisses his neck all over. He moans while she kisses down to his chest, her hands gripping his waist. Her lips and tongue move just about everywhere they can. He whispers her name, feeling more and more turned on.

She sits up, straddling him. "I've missed this," she says.

He grins and says, "Me too," while running his hands up to her breasts. He starts fondling them, and she moans with delight. She then says, "You know exactly what I like."

"Mmhmm," he replies. He gropes her rougher, and she starts breathing heavy. She closes her eyes, getting lost in his touch. He enjoys watching her.

A couple moments later, his hands move to her back, and he pulls her down to him to kiss her. She moans in response and wastes no time in thrusting her tongue into his mouth, making him groan. Their kissing is so intense. They can't get enough of it, of each other.

They can feel how much they want each other. Meredith sits up quickly and says breathlessly, "I'll be gentle. I don't want to hurt you."

"You could never hurt me," Derek replies, grinning, "Especially not when you're naked on top of me."

"I know," she says, smiling seductively.

Their bodies become one, and they move slowly together, basking in how amazing it feels. They gradually pick up the pace amidst gasps, groans, and shouts. She pants heavily into his neck and calls out his name while he lets out an extremely loud groan. In the next instant they reach sweet, incredible ecstasy. They can't help but cry out as loud as possible, not caring who hears them. This climax is so damn good, and it's like a release of their pain. They gasp for air, and she lays her head on his chest.

"Ohhh…God," she says erratically. He manages to respond, "Uh huh." She struggles to move off of him and collapses on the bed beside him. They need several minutes to calm down and catch their breath.

She grabs his hand, holding it on her chest. "That was…" She can't find a word to finish her statement.

"I know," he replies, glancing at her.

"It was…exactly what we needed," she says.

"I've been needing that all week," he says, making her giggle. Her head relaxes on his shoulder as her leg sprawls over his. He moans and asks, "You wanna go again?" She laughs, which makes him laugh.

The pain of their loss still lingers inside of them, but tonight they do their best putting it aside, wanting to be healed. When morning comes, they know it'll hurt again. But it'll hurt a little less.


	4. Chapter 4

**Time To Heal Part 4**

_One year later…_

Derek and Meredith have worked on healing, focused on finishing their dream house, and enjoyed working together. Derek loves not being Chief anymore while Mer loves seeing him in the OR again wearing those sexy blue scrubs. They know they could have been trying to have a baby, but they haven't. In fact, they haven't talked much about trying. They've mainly wanted things to be back to normal and to move into their dream house.

Meredith stands in front of George's grave holding a rose. She sets a hand over her abdomen, thinking about the baby she lost a year ago today. She looks at the grave and says, "I know you'd be talking care of my baby if it had been born before dying. Of course, it wouldn't die then, but… You would take care of him or her for me. I know you would." She shuts her eyes to keep the tears from coming.

Opening them again, she says, "I wish you were here, George. I miss you. And I miss Izzie. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and we'd all be interns again. Those years were our toughest. Who knew they'd be better than our residency years?" She sighs, kneels down, and places the rose directly in front of the grave. She takes her fingers to her lips and from her lips to the grave. "Alex has gone through so much missing Izzie," she says, "Maybe if you were still here, you could have convinced her to stay." She stands back up and says, "I love you, George. If you were alive, you'd be my baby's godfather or whatever." She clutches her abdomen and flashes "George" a smile.

She heads back to the car, where Derek is waiting for her. She wanted a few minutes alone with "George". She looks at Derek leaning against the side of the car and says, "I wish it was true that George is in heaven talking care of our baby. But it was a miscarriage…" She stands in front of him, gazing into his eyes. He stands straight, rests a comforting hand on her cheek, and kisses her forehead.

Derek smiles softly and replies, "My dad would look after the baby too." She nods and says, "Of course." She grabs his hand and says, "I wish…" She can't finish her thought aloud. "I know," he says, "I know. Our baby would be here right now if not for…" He takes a breath and states, "We could have started trying."

She squeezes his hand and responds, "I know. I just wanted everything to be normal. And I thought we should wait till we settled into our house."

"Better to not rush into having a baby," he says." "Right," she says. She lays her head on his shoulder, and he wraps his arms around her. She sighs and says, "Our house is wonderful, isn't it?"

He smiles and replies, "Yes, it is. Perfect for our children." She moans happily, "Mmhmm."

They arrive at the hospital, walking in hand-in-hand. It was their break when they left for lunch and went to the graveyard. Their lunch was in remembrance of their baby. In the elevator they continue holding hands, smile at each other, and sneak a couple kisses.

They share one last kiss after exiting the elevator, and he says softly in her ear, "Dirty sex later." She laughs in response, and they go their separate ways.

After checking in and tending to a couple of patients, Meredith starts to feel very queasy. She hurries to the restroom and vomits up a storm. While washing her hands, she thinks, "_That lunch must not have agreed with me._" Later that day, Cristina watches as she races to the restroom again. Cristina follows, and when Mer comes out, she asks, "Are you sick?"

"Something must be coming on," Meredith answers before sipping some water from the water fountain. "This was the second time today," she adds, standing up and moving to lean against a wall.

"Are you sure," Cristina wonders, "You might be pregnant again."

Meredith looks at her, feeling surprised and stupid for not thinking that first. "You know, I could be." She thinks back to two months ago. "After Derek and I moved into the dream house, we did it all over the place," she explains, "And we weren't careful." She laughs softly and says, "We even could have broken something. We were crazy."

"Bingo," Cristina says, "You have to be pregnant. That's amazing!" They both smile, and she asks, "So, how many times did you do it?"

Meredith laughs and replies, "I didn't tell two months ago when you asked, and I'm not going to tell now."

At home in the beautiful dream house, Meredith pulls a pregnancy test out of her purse. She stares at it, hoping she's pregnant. A smile forms on her face as she stands in her huge bedroom. She thinks of how wonderful a baby would be. She thinks of Derek and how much they've been through.

She gazes at the drawing Derek had made on the wall of their old house. They had it transported to their new house and put in a new wall piece in the old house. The drawing wall was placed perfectly above the space where their bed would be. She walks over to it and reaches up to touch it, remembering fondly when Derek figured out that difficult surgery. She walks over to the encased wedding vows hanging near the entrance of their closet. She remembers their lovely, simple post-it wedding. It was so perfect for them. Vows and signatures were all they needed. It amazes her that they've been married two years.

She quickly rips open the box and takes out the pregnancy test. She disappears into the bathroom. While she's in there, Derek comes home. When he doesn't see her, he calls out for her. In their huge bedroom and bathroom, it's sometimes tricky to hear if someone is calling from downstairs. She leaves the test on the sink and emerges to hear Derek's voice. Smiling, she steps outside their bedroom to yell, "Up here, Derek." She rushes to the stairs as he heads there too, eager to greet her hello. They meet on the stairs, her standing a step higher than him.

"Hey," she says. "Hi," he replies. She pulls him into a passionate kiss, which grows deeper when she slips her tongue in his mouth. He moans at the feel of their tongues mingling. She breaks away breathlessly, and he says, "Your day must have gotten better after our lunch break."

"It's good now," she says. She grins while leading him to their bedroom. She looks at her watch, and the test still has a few more minutes. He sits on the bed and asks, "What's so good?" She stands in front of him and runs her fingers through his hair.

"Meredith?" Their eyes lock, and she says, "I could be pregnant." His eyes light up, and he says, "Say that again." She giggles and repeats, "I could be pregnant." He pulls her down to kiss her like crazy. She laughs more, and he pulls away, grinning, and says, "How? When?" They both laugh, and she sits down next to him.

She takes his hand, and their fingers interlock. "I got sick today. Twice," she explains, "And I didn't even think of being pregnant. Cristina suggested I might be. And it makes sense. Remember two months ago? The dirty sex we had all over the house…" She grins, and he replies, "I remember very well. Yes. We did it how many times? Of course you could be pregnant."

"Yes, Exactly," she says, glancing at her watch. She takes a breath and tells him, "I'm in the middle of a pregnancy test. We'll know in another minute." He takes a deep breath, feeling stunned that he has come home to find out if they're having a baby or not. He almost can't believe it. They lock eyes again, feeling so in love and hoping the test is positive. They tighten the grip on their hands.

The minute goes by agonizingly slow. They constantly check her watch. When it's finally time, Meredith perks up. "It should be ready now," she says anxiously. She kisses his cheek, and Derek squeezes her hand. She squeezes back with a worried look on her face. He flashes her an assuring smile. "No matter what it says, we'll deal with it together," he says. She nods, walks into the bathroom, and picks up the test.

"Meredith," he inquires. He stands up anxiously.

"Oh my," she says, still in the bathroom. She lifts her head and smiles with relief. She cries a little and turns to run out of the bathroom. "Pregnant," she exclaims.

"Pregnant," he asks excitedly, feeling blown away by this news, "Really?"

"Yes! Pregnant," she says happily. She laughs, feeling so ecstatic. She goes to him, and they hug tightly, feeling so thrilled.

"I can't believe it," he says, "I mean, I can believe it, but…"

"I know. I know," she replies, "It's taking us by surprise since we weren't trying yet."

They pull back to look at each other, and he says, "We did some good work." She laughs, and he wonders, "Does this mean dirty sex tonight?"

They both laugh, and she answers, "Of course." They kiss intensely with so much love and exhilaration. He breaks the kiss breathlessly and says, "A baby. I love him or her already. And I love you."

"I love you both," she responds, setting a hand on her abdomen. His hand covers hers. Their eyes lock, and she jokes, "I hope it has your hair." They share another laugh and kiss again.

About 9 months later, they're sharing some laughs while holding their baby boy. He looks a lot like Meredith, but he definitely has Derek's hair. A family of three, Derek and Meredith can't imagine how life could get any better. A perfect dream home and a beautiful McBaby. With more babies to come, for sure. They'd do it hundreds of more times around that house if it meant more pretty McBabies.


End file.
